Dear Girl,

You were happy once. Full of life, full of love. You were happy once. I remember the day you were born, the joy that you brought to your parents, the joy that filled inside your brother. Your hazel eyes sparkled. You had two feet and ten toes, two hands, and ten fingers. As you cried out you knew you were loved, loved by me, loved by everyone. You knew with all your innocence that you were here on Earth, you made the journey to the very place you were supposed to be.

As I held you for the first time, as I held all my grandchildren for the first time, loved formed, a love that was there before you were born. A love that was there before you entered the universe before you entered Earth. A love that was always meant and always continued to be there. There was love and then I felt a different connection. A connection that was hard to explain, a connection meant to be more, a knowledge that our lives were meant to be more. Holding you helped me to see the world that was centered around me. From the moment I looked into your eyes, I knew you were different. A unique, a good, a beautiful kind of different.

When you got older, there was your laugh, that little giggle, the one that brought joy to anyone who saw you, to anyone who entered the same room. You turned heads, brought light, and gave out love and you received loved. Often as your parents would take you out, on a walk around the block, a journey to the waterfront, a program at the local library, and to church, people would stop and stare. Your presence to them was mesmerizing.

Slowly you began to explore the world around you. You started to walk. But for some reason, struggled to talk. A team of doctors followed you and eventually diagnosed you. This team put you on a path within the medical world of treatment and words of stigma. This team however adored you. They connected with your energy and they felt your love. They did their best despite the every lasting effect. Your speech. Your voice. Your love. Somehow it all vanished. Somehow it all became one, that was then undone.

Growing up, you were lost between both worlds, struggling to breathe, to see, to believe. You needed time to connect and disconnect. Other’s struggled to see. You constantly called out to me. My walls guarded, I let you down. Failed you in so many ways. More than one. You must know dear girl, that I did love you and that I did cherish you. My love remained unseen, other’s love remained unseen.

You needed time, time to take the world in, time to think and sort through the overpowering thoughts within your head. You needed time. Except life moved on all around you and there wasn’t time. You were caught up in a storm that turned ugly.  A storm that brought darkness, the black covering the gray. As this storm grew there was more dark. A soul that failed to spark. It covered what was left inside, and your imagination grew wide. You lived inside a world, one of  fairy tales and make-believe. Hoping. Holding. Hiding. The world my dear girl was your safest place. Sometimes as you withdrew I would look at your hazel eyes, wondering if it was even you. You lost your light, you lost your love. While I lost sight of who I was. I thought that if I could be something everyone wanted me to be, a mother that was strong, a grandmother that was bright. A fighter. A believer. A payer. A teacher. I went along believing, thinking I was true, thinking that I knew. My heart was kind, my eyes were wise, my head held knowledge but I remained broken inside. I know what it’s like to struggle to be you, to struggle to be real and true.

I want you to know now that you are here because of you. You are here in this world because you are you.  You are here to be true. True to you. It might be hard to see this at times, to realize the truth when you’ve lived in a world of untruth. But eventually, as life moves on you will see how everything was meant to be. Things will get better my girl, I promise you. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keeping fighting. Fight for who you are and who you want to be. Things may get scary, and life may get rough. Keep going my girl, despite now not being able to see, that one day, all your hopes and dreams, life plans and goals, will be true, will become true, as long as you stay true to you.

Love always,

Granny.

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