Resurfacing

Let me explain my situation to you and what I have come to realize over the last two months. On June 24, 2019 my life completely changed when entered into the hospital due to out of control panic attacks and thoughts of suicide. I stayed in hospital until July 22, 2019. During my time in the hospital, I had:

  • Sever panic attacks and dissociation
  • Flashbacks and nightmares and I later was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm tendencies resulting from a new diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I could see my purpose, value or self-worth in life. I had hit one of the lowest points in a blink of an eye. All the stressors in my life including my job and historical trauma crept up on me and then suddenly took a hold of me. I was so far gone, that I just had enough. I had enough of living and I had enough of being me.

Feelings came out that I had bottled up inside for so long. My emotions were out of control. My environment was out of control. I went from working extensive hours, attending a psychotherapy program part-time, and working on my business to dropping it all as I found myself in a mental health inpatient program.

When I got out, the first week, I had little follow up from the hospital. I found myself somehow thrown back into my life and I did not want to be in my life. The first week, I met with my counsellor twice and saw my family doctor. I was completely broken, lost in a system shock. I went through changes one after the other. I couldn’t handle it.

I was not stable enough to go back to my full-time job and I was without realizing it, around $70,000 in debt. I could even tell you had I had bought to be that much in debt. I mean sure I had a student loan to pay off like most people in their late twenties do, but I also had maxed out three credit cards, had a line of credit that was maxed out and had begun to finance a brand new 2018 car in the spring of last year.

There was no income coming in. I had used up all my short term benefits when I was in the hospital for a month and I had no idea how to pay the rent for the following month, let alone any of my bills. I was stuck and drained and exhausted. Being thrown into this mess, that I had create for myself was too much for me to handle on top of my mental health breakdown.

I thought there was no way out. I attempted suicide the following Wednesday after being released from the hospital. On the Thursday, I found myself back in the ER again, only to be let go a few hours later. Following this suicide attempt, I withdrew completely from my medications. I found myself with no other choice but to begin to rebuild my life again.

It started slowly, very slowly. I ignored the phone calls from my bank and credit card companies. I stopped going to see my counsellor and the outpatient services the hospital offered me for a few weeks. I was tired of everyone telling me how to recover, how to build my life back together. After all, it is my life and your life is your life.

What works for someone else may not work for you, despite whatever research or evidence is out there.

I began to listen to my intuition fully, something I put off doing for so long. I trusted my gut. I let go of what did not feel right in my life and started to embrace the things that did. I started to write again. Surprisingly as I did this, I began to find joy amongst all the darkness. Writing was something I always wanted to do. So I wrote for pretty much a week straight, ignoring everything else.

I started going to different Meetups and Events. I attended different writing groups and met people who liked to write just like I did. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Susan, who has been my rock and main support through all of this.

It took almost another week until I started to make appointments, and surface back to reality again. I continued to go see my family doctor. I went back to see my counsellor and also started DBT therapy with another counsellor. I made appointments and phone calls to banks and credit card companies. I opened my bills. I met with financial consultants. I started to make repayment plans for my debts. I even quit my full-time job, coming to the conclusion that my own health and wellbeing were more important.

Along the way, there were times when things did get heavy for me and things were overwhelming for me. I have learned more life lessons in these past two months than in my lifetime. I had to find courage and fight of fear. I decided to stop ignoring my intuition and started to listen to the spiritual being inside of me.

While I am not fully recovered in any way I have made some major changes in life, that I can now see are for the better. In terms of my recovery, it will always be something I am working on. I am aware there will be good moments and bad moments. However, in this short time I took to start to find myself again:

  • I stopped having panic attacks every day
  • I stopped having major flashbacks, nightmares, and dissociations
  • I stopped hiding in closets and small spaces
  • I started to make really be decisions on things I had put of for so long
  • I started to make a repayment plan for my debt
  • My thoughts of suicide lessened to a huge extent
  • My acts of self-harm stopped as soon as I got out of the hospital

I went into the hospital and stayed for as long as I did for a reason. I needed time and a safe place process memories and emotions I had buried for so long. While some nurses were helpful and somewhere not, some programs were also helpful and somewhere not.

I think the biggest thing that influenced my recovery as much as it did, was that I stopped listening to what other people and healthcare professionals thought was right, especially if it was not sitting right with me. I think the thing about mental health and healthcare, is that often working professionals fail to understand the complex trauma that often comes with the diagnosis. Many staff may not be trained in understanding how complex trauma and your inner child impacts your feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

I do agree with my own mental health diagnosis. However, there were a lot of individuals I met in the hospital who struggled to figure out their diagnosis as well as some who did not agree with their diagnosis. I understand, coming from a background in child welfare and social work that mental health is a tricky thing, and for someone to understand their own mental health and how it impacts them throughout the day is hard enough as it is.

The mental health and health care systems need to begin to under how childhood trauma can impact one’s behaviors and actions as an adult. I also feel that one’s inner connection with their own self needs to be focused on so that they can begin to find joy, build unconditional love in their self, and start to understand who they are.

I do not want to be the one that tells to stop taking your medications or following advice from healthcare professionals. The message I am trying to get across is for you to listen, you know to that voice inside of you, that feeling that you hold. Listen to your intuition and trust your gut.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own health and wellbeing. You are in charge of your recovery and your journey. When all else fails, let go of whatever it is that you are holding on to and trust your intuition.

If you take action, the universe will take action.

What are you going to do for yourself today? What is your intuition telling you?

Accepting Ourselves

We live in a world, that is fast, active, and always on the go. At times when it feels like we need a break, the world around us does not stop. Leaving us no time to stop. Without a choice, we keep going. We push the emotions and feelings inside of us while attempting to live our lives outside of us.

As a result, we become numb. We are left frozen inside. Unable to feel. Unable to think. Unable to connect to ourselves as well as to those we love around us.

We manage to go throughout the day on autopilot and often without even realizing we are on autopilot.  As we keep going our bodies go into survival mode.

We work because we have to work.

We eat because we have to eat.

We sleep because we have to sleep.

We socialize even at our lowest times.

We pile things on our plates.

We take our children to activities and sport programs.

We drive them places.

We attempt to clean our homes. We attempt to do laundry.

We do dishes.

We walk the dog. We play with the cat.

We take a shower.

We get groceries.

Sometimes, we exercise.

We pay the bills.

We put the stress aside, thinking that it is easier to ignore it than acknowledge it. Sitting in discomfort is uneasy. We get into a routine, repeating it over and over again. The same tasks. The same activities. The same chores. Our thoughts patterns and our behaviors get repetitive as our mind plays tricks on us, telling us that we are not worthy and leaving us to feel not good enough.

By the end of the day, we are exhausted physically and drained emotionally. There is no time left for ourselves, no time to process the emotions that have been bottled up throughout the day. There is no time to feel whatever is happening around us.

We become incapable of being present, unsatisfied in our beliefs, and unaware of our values. Slowly we stop looking after our own needs as we become trapped inside a caregiving role for others. We forget to care about ourselves. We forgot to love ourselves.

How much is too much?

What has got to give for you to be able to feel connected to yourself, loved by yourself, and accomplished by yourself?

It is not about doing things just because it is what is expected of you to do.

What it is you actually want to do?

Taking time to process our own needs is critical. If we continue to go on the way the world expects us to live, I can guarantee you that there will be a time in your life when you will mentally break.  There will be a time when the stress becomes too much to handle and there will be a time when you start to feel that suicide is the only way out, the only solution to the stop the overwhelming feelings that pile within you.

Our lives can crash around us in the blink of an eye. Change is everywhere. We cannot avoid it, but we can prevent it from taking control of our meaning, blocking us from our purpose, and letting the negative vibrations overpower us.

Changes happen. In our lives, shit happens. It can be good or bad. Through change, the universe leaves us lessons, it makes us stronger, embodied, and connected to our truth.

Sometimes it may seem like we are lost and disconnected from ourselves, unable to see light. Sometimes our bodies become so full of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, it becomes impossible to process them all. It is easy for us to look for an escape and an alternative way out.

Have you ever thought that maybe instead of clawing ourselves to the surface outward, to go inward under the surface?

When you go under the surface, you are often left with no choice than to rip off the bandaids, address stress, confront whatever you pushed aside, and feel the emotions. When we are left with no other choice but to face our fears, sit in our discomforts and acknowledge our weakness, our thoughts, and our feelings, our actions begin to change.

The more we begin to explore how whatever is weighing on us, and addressing whatever is weighing on us, the more we can heal.

There is no magic solution. No special pill you can take. Our emotions and feelings take time to process and results from our actions take time. I get wanting to rush things, as that is the way we are used to doing things as a society. It will take time to figure out the formula that works for you.

You can start the surface inward by getting to know you again, figuring out who you are, how to light the truth inside of you and reintroduce yourself to your hopes and dreams.

The more you surface inward, the deeper the connection will grow within you and that will flow to your life outside of you.

It was only about a month and a half ago that my life suddenly changed. Everything somehow got unrouted. Things came crashing down around me. It was as if an explosion hit me, a tornado forming inside of me. I lost track of reality, lost hold of my goals, my hopes, and dreams. I was left with no choice but to face the discomfort and go under the surface to find me.

Admitting that I was struggling, that I needed help and asking for support was one of the hardest things I had to do. I became vulnerable and unable to deal with the panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation, and nightmares from my childhood trauma. Creating a safe space around me, I let myself go through it, acknowledge it, and admit that I was hurting from it.

During this time, not only did I find myself sitting in some of the lowest moments, I learned who the people were in my life that utterly and truly supported me. I began to go through the days moment by moment. I started a journey to get to know myself and began to embrace myself again.

I still have a long road to my recovery ahead of me. But I am determined to not let the trauma take ahold of me as it did for so many years. I accept now that it is a part of me, but it will not control me.

When I started to embrace the aspects I did fully and truly love about myself, I started to step into action. The more steps I did take, I started to accept more aspects of me and an unconditional love started to build within me.

It is not there all the way yet, and I understand the process will take a while to repair and reprogram the damages that were done to me. Throughout my journey I have learned that my past does not define me, it has helped build me, but also put beliefs into my life that were not made for me.

Now, however, I am ready to take on the challenge to fully embrace all aspects of me, to learn to love everything within me, to fulfill my goals and dreams, and most importantly listen to what my intuition is telling me.

Now who wants to join me?

This Isn’t Who We Are Supposed To Be

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We are all one. One body. One mind. One soul.

We are all one essence. One true self. One being. We are one being made up of numerous parts, put together to live on Earth and adapt to the physical world. We are all one. We always have been and always will be. We are one, made up of many different parts, particles, and pieces. Despite our many different organs and systems, we are one. One body. One mind. One soul.

We always have been one.

It’s hard to understand ourselves as one when we have been thinking, living and breathing in the physical world, and have adapted to life on Earth. Here we are taught from medical models, scientific, evidence-based thoughts and factual analytics. We are taught to think in black and white and to follow rules in relation to what is right and what is wrong.

When things are grey, we panic.

We aren’t used to operating in grey areas, we aren’t use to problem solving in grey areas. We believe in the truth. We believe in the truth set forth by society, a truth set forth by government, a truth set forth by others. We believe that this truth is our truth, we believe that this world, the structure, the society is who we are and how we are supposed to live. The moment we step foot outside the society, become different, or attempt to embrace our true selves, we are criticized and judged. We learn to believe from a young age that we are not good enough, ourselves, our beings, our life, the journey we were set forward to live, we learn to believe that we are not good enough to be in it, that is unless we adapt, unless we learn to follow rules, believe in a truth that isn’t, see life in a way that wasn’t meant to be, and believe that this is how our lives are supposed to be. We are taught through education. We are taught through government. We are taught through religion. We are taught through our parents own values and beliefs. We are taught through media, news, and other’s individual views. But what about our own views? What about our own beliefs? What about who we are? What about where we are?

We lose sight of spirituality and the concept of intuition. 

We fail to understand there is a non-physical world, a life after death and the process of life after death. We become lost in black and white thinking, black and white believing. We are all one. Built the same, made the same, and will be the same when we leave this life. We are all one, yet nothing seems like it is one. We don’t seem like we are one. How is it then that we go back to being one?

Look. See. Feel. Speak.

Look at the world around you. Look at life and death. See where things don’t line or don’t make sense. See yourself, inside of you, feel yourself. Try to move back the layers to what is true, and what is you. Feel that feeling inside, the one you can’t explain, the one you would never explain. What does it want? What does it say? Listen to it, see it, believe it. That feeling, that being, that believing, that is you, that is all you.

Take some time to breathe. Take some time to think.

Close your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. Imagine a light from the top of your head that goes up to the outside world, that travels high above the sky and into the universe. Take that light, and bright it through your body. Focus on how you feel, and on who you want to be. Words and thoughts will form and you will think that this isn’t who you are supposed to be, but trust that this is who you are supposed to be. You will feel that this is who you are supposed to be. Take this feeling, take the thoughts, and hold on to the believing. The more you slowly begin to see, the more you slowly begin to change the way you think and what you believe, will lead you closer to who you want to be.

Never feel you cannot be who you want to be.

We are all brought here to be the person, the individual that we are supposed to be. It is the outside factors, of society, of life, it is these factors that take us away from being, from seeing and from believing. Always believe. Always see. Always be. Always be who you want to be. Who you want to be is who you are supposed to be and what we are supposed to see.

 

 

You Have Always Been There

If you are reading this, please look after yourself. If you are reading this, please care about yourself.

You are so much more than you know. We are so much more than we know. We bring light to the darkness and we fight fires with love. We are beings. We are one, one body, one mind, one soul. It is inside ourselves and we are whole. It is inside ourselves we are true. It is inside ourselves that you are you. Please, if you are reading this, don’t be afraid to be you.

We are born, brought to earth, brought to life with a purpose, a meaning, a soul, created into a human being. Longing, knowing that we were once whole. We become welcomed into the physical world. As a being. An essence. A soul. We lose sight of the non-physical world as we grow. We also lose sight of us, who we are, who we will be, and where we will be, it all becomes lost within our soul.

Over time we learn to adapt. We learn to live. We learn to love. We learn to feel. And things become real. We continue to move with life, journey through a world, learning wrong from right. We develop emotions, an essence, a feeling. The physical world slowly creates are being. Society impacts us. Views. Beliefs. Truths. False meanings. Lack of seeing. Lack of believing.

We become surrounded within a society of emotions, of light, of love and darkness, of hurt, of pain, the feelings of grief in those that remain. We become lost in ourselves, lost in a world in which remains buried deep inside of us. We remain afraid. Afraid of feeling. Afraid of seeing. Afraid of believing. More importantly afraid of being.

We live in constant fear. Completely unaware. Thinking that we are aware. Thinking that we are there. Wishing that we were somewhere. If you are reading this, know that you are here. If you are reading this, know that we are here. If you are reading this, know that you are in there. We are all brought here, to love ourselves and to find ourselves. Who we are is there, it has always been there.

Finding who we are, being who we are, seeing who we are creates meaning. It starts with believing, feeling and seeing. Feeling the truth, the trust, seeing the creation of the outside world around us, knowing that there is more to life than just us. This can be difficult as our emotions and fears bury us deep inside. As we build intuition, trust the universe, trust our purpose, our body, our mind our soul, the more of us we slowly begin to know. The universe is more than what we know. We are more than what we know.

There Was This Girl

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She was lost. Lost inside herself. Trapped in views of others. Confined with unrighteous beliefs. She was trying to see. She was trying to be. Someone. Something. She tried to be what others wanted her to be. She thought this was who she was supposed to be. This, however, wasn’t who she wanted to be.

There was this girl, who could never be, who she wanted to be.

So she escaped, into her imagination. She escaped into her mind. Constricted herself into her soul. She did this for protection. She did this to be safe. She locked her innocents inside. Her imagination was the only place in which others could relate. A world. A place that was safe.

There was this girl, who could only be what she thought others wanted to see.

It was on the outside that she failed to be, that she failed to hope, that she failed to see, who she was and who she wanted to be. She was clever. She was smart. And in her imagination she was free. It was in her imagination she could be, whatever she wanted to be. Outside of her imagination she only showed others what they wanted to see.

There was this girl, who wasn’t this girl anymore.

She struggled to share. She struggled to relate. She struggled to regulate. Emotions stormed together. Thoughts. Stories. Words. The brilliance of life. It all echoed in her head. The key, the light to who she was stay buried within her soul. The light is buried in a place the girl doesn’t even know. A light that now may never show. A light that now she may never know. A light that once tried to glow.

There was this girl, who tried to show what it was she wanted others to know.

Only a few times she tried to let others know. Only a few times she tried to do so. She felt a love. She felt a trust. She felt that she was good enough. There were only a few times that she wanted others to see, everything she was meant to be. She wanted others to see who she wanted to be.  She tried hard for them to see. She tried so hard to be. The person that she wanted to be. She showed them who she was, and how she craved comfort and love. However, she was scared that who she was would never be good enough. All she wanted others to see was everything she was meant to be.

There was this girl who lost sight of who she was. There was this girl who grew up believing she wasn’t good enough.

And now, she doesn’t see everything that she is meant to be.

 

 

 

 

Dear Girl,

You were happy once. Full of life, full of love. You were happy once. I remember the day you were born, the joy that you brought to your parents, the joy that filled inside your brother. Your hazel eyes sparkled. You had two feet and ten toes, two hands, and ten fingers. As you cried out you knew you were loved, loved by me, loved by everyone. You knew with all your innocence that you were here on Earth, you made the journey to the very place you were supposed to be.

As I held you for the first time, as I held all my grandchildren for the first time, loved formed, a love that was there before you were born. A love that was there before you entered the universe before you entered Earth. A love that was always meant and always continued to be there. There was love and then I felt a different connection. A connection that was hard to explain, a connection meant to be more, a knowledge that our lives were meant to be more. Holding you helped me to see the world that was centered around me. From the moment I looked into your eyes, I knew you were different. A unique, a good, a beautiful kind of different.

When you got older, there was your laugh, that little giggle, the one that brought joy to anyone who saw you, to anyone who entered the same room. You turned heads, brought light, and gave out love and you received loved. Often as your parents would take you out, on a walk around the block, a journey to the waterfront, a program at the local library, and to church, people would stop and stare. Your presence to them was mesmerizing.

Slowly you began to explore the world around you. You started to walk. But for some reason, struggled to talk. A team of doctors followed you and eventually diagnosed you. This team put you on a path within the medical world of treatment and words of stigma. This team however adored you. They connected with your energy and they felt your love. They did their best despite the every lasting effect. Your speech. Your voice. Your love. Somehow it all vanished. Somehow it all became one, that was then undone.

Growing up, you were lost between both worlds, struggling to breathe, to see, to believe. You needed time to connect and disconnect. Other’s struggled to see. You constantly called out to me. My walls guarded, I let you down. Failed you in so many ways. More than one. You must know dear girl, that I did love you and that I did cherish you. My love remained unseen, other’s love remained unseen.

You needed time, time to take the world in, time to think and sort through the overpowering thoughts within your head. You needed time. Except life moved on all around you and there wasn’t time. You were caught up in a storm that turned ugly.  A storm that brought darkness, the black covering the gray. As this storm grew there was more dark. A soul that failed to spark. It covered what was left inside, and your imagination grew wide. You lived inside a world, one of  fairy tales and make-believe. Hoping. Holding. Hiding. The world my dear girl was your safest place. Sometimes as you withdrew I would look at your hazel eyes, wondering if it was even you. You lost your light, you lost your love. While I lost sight of who I was. I thought that if I could be something everyone wanted me to be, a mother that was strong, a grandmother that was bright. A fighter. A believer. A payer. A teacher. I went along believing, thinking I was true, thinking that I knew. My heart was kind, my eyes were wise, my head held knowledge but I remained broken inside. I know what it’s like to struggle to be you, to struggle to be real and true.

I want you to know now that you are here because of you. You are here in this world because you are you.  You are here to be true. True to you. It might be hard to see this at times, to realize the truth when you’ve lived in a world of untruth. But eventually, as life moves on you will see how everything was meant to be. Things will get better my girl, I promise you. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keeping fighting. Fight for who you are and who you want to be. Things may get scary, and life may get rough. Keep going my girl, despite now not being able to see, that one day, all your hopes and dreams, life plans and goals, will be true, will become true, as long as you stay true to you.

Love always,

Granny.

What Happens After Death?

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Losing a loved one is hard. Often at times, we wonder, “why?”.  Life moves constantly. It is always moving forward. If we stop, it doesn’t stop. Life moves constantly. Even after death, life moves constantly. A soul always lives on. We always live on. We are brought into this world as one, one body, one mind, one soul, a physical being. We leave into the world as one. Sole. We go off into the universe, into the world between life and death, between heaven and earth. We go into a world, where we become one again, and then eventually leaving as one again.

It’s hard to understand the dying process, and even the concept of an afterlife while in the midst of grief. Grief can at times, take control of our bodies, and we become lost, searching for answers, searching for questions and looking for hope. We become absorbed into our emotions, sometimes not be able to break free again.

The Kübler-Ross model discusses the 5 stages of grief, ones we all go through after we lose someone that was important in our lives. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The Kubler-Ross model makes the grieving process seem simple, put together in a linear form, that sometimes becomes nonlinear. The grieving process, however, is different for every individual who experiences it. Sure we may experience some or even all of the stages in the Kubler-Ross model, however, the grieving process looks more like a scribbled picture and a spiraling tornado. Most often as we go through a grieving process we are left with fear, fear of the unknown, and the question of what happens when we die and where did our loved one go?

A society, we have created fear as a stereotype to death. Fear of dying. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what is yet to come.  What happens when we die? Where do we go? What do we become? Some burry bodies in the ground. Other’s get criminated. Tombstones may be put up. Flowers dropped at a grave site, ashes may get spread. Cultures, religions, communities all have different views on the dying process and on the afterlife. As individuals, we also have different views on dying, death, life in general. And sometimes, that fear our society has created, makes it impossible for us to move on. We hold on to our beliefs. Heaven. Hell. Hope. Faith. We fill our minds with promises, we ensure ourselves, that our loved one is okay. And they are. They are always okay.

Throughout the dying process, our soul prepares to leave our body. It travels. Journeys in between us, journeys in between life, always coming back to our body, that is until we take the very last breath. Soul then becomes one, sole, and it absorbs the energy around us and around itself. The sole, it carries on. It may have left the human body, but it carries on. The sole always carries on. Despite the fact that the human form of the one you loved is gone, their sole always lives on. We always live on.

Our soul leaves our bodies when it is our time to move on to the next stage, the next process, the next journey in life. Our soul leaves because it’s time. Our life purpose, whatever that is supposed to be was reached. It is us that decides when it’s time to go, a decision that was made even before coming into this life. We all grieve in different ways. We are all unique. We are brought together as one and leave together as one. Grief. Death. Life after death. It may be impossible to understand at the moment, at the time someone you loved has passed away. Or it may be that your faith is strong and you feel that you have a belief, a hope, a sense that they are in Heaven and they are okay. They are always okay. Sometimes, during a grieving process, we may question this too.

As I began to connect with loved ones, soles that have become one, soles that are sent by spirit, messages that are meant to be received and passed forward, I have come to understand one very important thing. Our loved ones are always there. They are always with us. They flow within spirit, within the energy around us. They guide us. They protect us. As life constantly moves on and moves around us, they are there. They are always there. The next time you question why, the next time your emotions fade and anger has been erased, breathe in the energy and light around you. Feel their love. Feel their warmth. Your loved ones are there. They have always been here.

 

 

 

 

We Are More Than. Life is More Than.

Have you ever wondered why we are here? Have you ever wondered where we come from? Have you ever thought there is more to who we are, more to what we are? Have you ever thought there is more to the universe than what we see, than what everyone sees?

We are all here, searching endlessly. Looking for answers to unknown questions, to life that is beyond what we see. We are searching endlessly. Searching for more. Looking for less. Wanting to be something, wanting to be more than something. As the world moves around us, we float with it, endlessly searching, endlessly looking and half believing.

We half believe in a world created by others, created by opinions that influence our own. We are a society that is looking for logic, for evidence, for science and fact. We believe what we are expected to believe and what we are expected to see. Throughout our journey on earth, we often lose sense of who we are and where we came from. We lose sense of path, and our purpose. We also lose sense as to why we are here and sometimes even lack understanding to the journey that we created.

As we lose sense of ourselves, the world continues to move. Life moves. Everything moves. We move with it. Day by day. Moment by moment. Despite being lost amongst the atmosphere we continue to move forward, continue to create a story that was once uncreated, and then recreated. We are still stuck, lost, half believing what we are raised and what we feel we are supposed to believe.

I grew up half believing. I was taught there was a Heaven and Hell. I was told that if I was good, I’d go to Heaven and if I sinned I’d go to Hell. I was told to pray, to believe in God, to follow a religion. It was my mother’s way of showing us, of half believing, of wanting there to be more than life, than what was in front of us. It was my mother’s way of showing me that if I believed I could be more than. We could be more than.

This way of being more than, didn’t make sense to me. We are all meant to be more than. We are all meant to be. We are brought here to be. The divide in equality. The divide in good and bad. Is anything but what we are meant to be. We come as equal, we are born as equal. We come to live, live out a purpose, and find who we are within our souls. But we only half believe because that is all we are taught to develop. Somewhere in this endless illusion of time, our intuition becomes forgotten, our intuition becomes buried. Therefore, we can’t only half believe, we have to fully believe, in ourselves and who we are.

How can we fully believe in something that someone might not see as the truth? How can we fully believe in something that someone might not see as logic, as fact, as evidence. How can we fully believe and not only half believe? It’s an endless search, but not an impossible search. We must begin by looking within ourselves, and trusting the feeling within ourselves. We can feel it, that trust, within our gut. Even though we can feel it, often we over analyse it, until the feeling of trust is vanished, buried deep within our souls.

Our intuition holds our purpose and purpose holds power the power, the power, to discover who we are. The more we develop our intuition and the more we trust ourselves, we are able to see what lies before us and what lies within us. We are able to see the now. We are able to see and feel exactly where we need to be and what we need to do. Look at your life. Look at where you are now and where you were. Everything happens for a reason. Life forms around us as if everything and everyone where meant to be. We are all meant to be. We are more than what we see.

Next time, you have that feeling of trust, the one that echoes throughout your body, listen to it. Feel it. Believe it. Go with it. See where it takes you and look for the truth. It is through the truth that you may be able to see that we are all more than what we are supposed to be. We are more than. Life is more than.

The Safest Place

As we embark on this journey of transformation, it is important to have a place to come back to. A place that’s safe. A home. A sanctuary. A mausoleum. It’s that safe place you’ve created to let go of the world around you. It’s that safe place you’ve created to breathe in the energy of the light. It’s the safe place you have created to be whoever you are and whoever you want to be. That safe place is your safest place.

The safest place can change over time, developing into who and what you want to be in it. Growing up, my safest place was inside of myself, lost in my imagination, lost in make-believe. I created a world where I was valued, loved and wanted. It was a world where I felt the safest, even during the darkness of times. It was my safest place. It was to me ever so much alive and at times it helped me to survive. Sometimes, admits the darkness we close ourselves off to the outside world, to the outside places, and we bury our souls in the safest of places. As we breathe in our light, the darkness eventually fades and life transforms. Multiple places emerge.

The blue-roofed building. The school with the wall art. The house surrounded by evergreens. The house that holds a family together, the house that holds its history inside its walls, the history inside us all. Multiple places create us. Multiple places build us. Multiple places become us. We become them. They aren’t the safest place. Or it could be that they are and we, because we are lost amongst ourselves, are failing to see, failing to feel, and failing to trust that there may, may just be the safest place on the outside as well as on the inside.

As days have turned to night, and night to day, little by little, I’ve stepped outside the safest place, the one buried inside myself and soul, the one created through my imagination. Piece by piece, I’ve started to let go. I started to trust what’s true and see what’s real. I’ve started to see that there is more than what we know, there is more than what we believe and there is more than what we feel. It’s about trusting what is hidden amongst our imagination to build and use our intuition on the outside. Once we are able to see what’s inside our imagination we are able to then let it go, and let it out into the outside world. We are able to use our intuition to feel, to trust and to guide us to another place, the safest place. The safest place, that’s on the outside as well as the safest place that’s on the inside.

When you’ve been inside for so long, it’s easy to forget how terrifying it is to be on the outside. To be real and raw. To feel anything at all. Being on the outside can be just as jumbled up as it can to be on the inside. Together, we can build what’s on the inside to see what’s on the outside. Together we can build what’s on the outside to see what’s on the inside. Together we can create a landing dock, a force of light. We can create a world where everything is bright. Amongst the moon and stars, amongst the universe, we can wrap our arms amongst ourselves and hold each other close. We can create truth from meaning and make meaning into being. Together we can make this into the safest place. Our safest place. The safest place.

The Child

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Hurt. Guilt. Shame. Defeated she stays trapped. Wrapped up in a tight cocoon. Longing to be a butterfly. Free. Flying free. The cocoon, however, stays hidden shut. Broken. Damaged. Bruised. The child remains buried in layers upon layers of silk. She cries out in the middle of the night. Craving to feel, craving to be something more than what is already there.  “Help,” she whispers. “Help.”  The cries go unheard and the child remains unnoticed. All she wanted, was to be noticed, inside the tiny cocoon wrapped in layers of silk, she wanted to be valued for who she was and what she wanted to be. Free.

“Tell me about a time you were free,” a voice brings back the light. The voice takes the darkness away. The voice brings logic and erases the unrealistic. The voice is true.

Free. Running. Free. The child’s body flows through a field of green grass, a field that goes on for entirety Wind pushes back her hair. Her eyes glow. Laughter forms. Life spins by. People disappear. The child is unstoppable. At that moment as the world spins around her, she believes, she truly believes that she is infinite. Free. Free to be me.

In the stories that unfold after, freedom remains in a flow of energy around her. The child is valued. The child is wanted. The child is loved. She is loved for who she is and not want others want her to be. She was chosen to stand in the ceremony of love, which in turn binds to people together. Free. She was chosen out of love to play a role in creating something from nothing, to building everlasting life. Free. She is free. All she wants is to be free.

As fast as freedom comes, it soon disappears. It’s time to say goodbye. The child, that longs to be the butterfly, folds up her wings, and crawls back into the comfort of silk. The farmhouse. Her Aunt. Her Uncle. Her cousins. The cows. The fields. They all disappear with her. She buries them inside her subconscious to protect herself. She knows that one day, she will become a butterfly and this freedom is the strength she needs to shed her silk.

How can one shed her silk if she hasn’t been free in so long? How can she see what is real, what is right, what is true? How can she be free? Emotions flood from within. Emotions that the child cannot understand. Emotions that the adult cannot understand. Why? How? Who? When? When will she become free? Who will she be?

She knows. She believes. That as a butterfly, she will fly. High. She knows. She believes. That as a butterfly, she will transform. As a butterfly, she will be free. She will be free to see the light, breathe in the life. As a butterfly, she will see, what we all want to be. Free. Becoming free is different for everyone. The child, the one so desperate to become a butterfly doesn’t believe, doesn’t see that she is already free. She is a butterfly. Flying free. The butterflies come to her as messages. They remind her that is she free. She is free, to be me.

We all have that child inside of us. Sometimes that child is buried so deep inside the child can’t see who they are or who they are supposed to be. Sometimes it’s easy to pretend the child isn’t there. It’s easy to submerge ourselves in what we want others to see. Eventually, we can believe we are what others see. We are left, longing to be me. Longing to be free.

As we submerge into our subconscious and look past the memories and moments that were created to be created, find a time that you were free. Free to be what you wanted, as the child without expectations from others, surrounded by love and built by security. Hold on to that time you were free. Feel the feelings. Take it in. Breathe it out. Don’t let it go. Take the feeling and fly. Fly free.

 

Understanding Darkness

Darkness can be this enteral black fog, that swirls around your energy, sucking out the light, and love. Darkness can be the tears we cry when we have nothing left to give. Darkness can be finding out you or your loved one are dying or have an untreatable illness. Darkness can be depression and anxiety, the thoughts that cloud our head, make it impossible to carry on. Darkness can be trauma, a storm that never seems to end, one that started from your childhood and has carried on to your child’s childhood. Darkness can be fear, fear of unleashing your truth, the inability of being able to understand yourself. Darkness can be the lies we tell others to hide the truth. Darkness can be addiction or conflict, the emotions you are unable to let go of, situations you are able to leave. Darkness can be war, fighting, and violence. Darkness can be anything that blocks out peace, love, and truth. Darkness can swallow you inside yourself and leave you screaming silently, wanting more than anything to escape, to get to the light and be able to undercover who you are. Darkness. It’s all around us.

In the darkness, moments at times more so fast, you forget who you are and what you are meant to be. In the darkness, moments can move so slow they trap you inside yourself. Darkness comes from our own fears, emotions, and insecurities. Darkness comes from hurt. Darkness comes from nothing, a nothing that becomes something, that something becoming unstoppable emotions. Darkness at times can take control of us and make is into monsters that are full of self-hatred and guilt. Darkness lets us on a path of self-destruction and forgetfulness. Darkness lets us forget who we are and what we are meant to be. Darkness lets us forget the universe, the creation of self and the ability to see beyond what lays in front of us.

It’s interesting to think that somewhere up in the universe, we created our lives, before we entered them. We chose the paths we wanted to take and darkness we wanted to face. We created the life we are in for a reason, a reason to lead you on your own path of self-discovery and your own process of finding the truth. There is no easy way to face the darkness. Often at times, self-destruction is the only thing we know. As we go on existing, hiding in the shadows, burying emotions in the back of our minds, and letting our thoughts get buried in our subconscious, we become lost in ourselves. As we go on existing, we become lost in our imagination. We forget who we are. We forget to see the truth. We live in fear. Fear of ourselves. Fear of the darkness.

The darkness has been with us through our lifetime and through past lifetimes. It follows us, that is until we face it, until we decide to end it and say that we had enough. That lifetime of fear, hurt, grief, shame, guilt, disappointment, and distrust is all we have ever known, and sometimes all we will ever know. It’s easier to let yourself self-destruct at the moment you encounter darkness than it is to admit the truth.

I’m not perfect in any way shape or form. I have my flaws and my own insecurities. We all do.  I have my own fears and my own subconscious that holds daunting memories and a hurricane of emotions. Facing these fears and uncovering the emotions that lay behind the make-believe is complicated, and often at times undesirable. Understanding the darkness and releasing the truth has let me on this amazing transformational journey of self-discovery. I have a better understanding of my sense of self and life purpose. I have a better understanding of my truth and who I am meant to be.

Now that I have developed a better understanding of darkness and how it impacts us, I am able to look at an individual and see through the darkness, I can see into the light. I understand their fears, of what they once were and of who they want to be, of who they are supposed to be. What I have learned on this journey is that the truth eliminates the fear, the truth makes the darkness more bearable when it comes.

Facing darkness requires work. It requires breaking those unhealthy coping strategies of irrational thoughts and negativity. It requires that courage of putting that alcohol bottle down, or not taking your drug of choice. It requires you to believe that you are more than who you are in this moment and more than what you are supposed to be. It requires you to stop hurting yourself and others. It requires you to own up to your mistakes, the trauma and the emotions you have tried to numb for so long. It requires you to believe that you are loveable, wanted and good enough.

We are all wanted because we are here. We are all created out of love, out of wellbeing and truth. We are created with a purpose, with a purpose that will change who you are and how you see the world around you. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. We all have to face darkness at some point lives, if it is in this lifetime or the next, or even the one after that. We can only hold back for so long before we explode from deteriorating, explode from being in a world of nothingness, being in a world where we let the darkness control us.

I think that we often forget that even in the darkness there is light. It always shines through, even if we can’t see it. I like the believe that the light is from Spirit. I like to believe that the light protects us and helps us through the unbearable moments that the darkness brings. As darkness fades in and out of the shadows of existing, light is always there. Our guides, our guardian angels, and our protectors shine through the light. They wrap their arms and wings around us and make us feel whole again. We are never alone. We never go through darkness alone. There is always light with us even in the darkest of times, even if this light seems invisible and non-existent.

Light opens up a new sense of being, a new transformation of self. Light brings us on a new journey, and helps us develop a new sense of belonging. Light brings forth truth and helps us understand who we are and what we are meant to do. Sometimes in the darkness, it’s hard to see the truth of what is meant to be. Light guides us through darkness. I think we often forget that darkness always brings light. Don’t be afraid to face the darkness, understand your truth and who you are. I promise it’s not as scary as it looks. I promise I’ll be with you every step along the way. Bring forth the light.  Eliminate the darkness.

 

Memories From My Grandmother

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I wrote a poem for my grandmother once. It was a Christmas present. I talked about her homestead, our homestead. The small house in the Acadian village, the clam flats across the street. The island in the middle of clam flats. We called it Cow’s Island. The long winding shore road. The view of the Catholic Church. The warn down fields behind her house. The land we wondered when we were children when my mother and her siblings were children.

Life seemed to move on. We just moved with it. Visits on weekends and holidays. Visits in the summer. Trips to the general store to get ice cream. Picking blackberries and blueberries until you couldn’t see the color of our fingers. Life seem to move on. Movie nights in the small living room. Sleepovers under the stars. Barbecues in the backyard. Tobogganing in the winter. Riding our bikes in the summer. Card games with family and friends. Life moved on or so it seemed.

My childhood was a blur, created through memories and lies. Life seemed to move on all around me while I was lost in a world of make-believe. I remember bits and pieces that don’t add up to the happiness of times. The rest of the memories submerged in the darkness of my subconscious. They remained lost in a world of imagination and dreams. A world I lived in to survive. In these dark times, I felt disconnected from the outside world. I blocked out the people who cared about me, who loved me. I blocked out my grandmother and hid the truth behind a mask. I hid the truth behind my eyes and became lost in a whirlwind that we call life.

I missed out on the times that her laughter filled the room and how her laughter made everyone laugh just from her laughing. I missed out on the times of comfort and of love. I missed out on the way her brown eyes would crystal. I missed out on enjoyments of church picnics, birthday celebrations, and fireworks. I was never really there in the moments we all came together. Even when it was the two of us, I was never really there. It was as if I was lost in a motion picture, that was put on fast forward, it was as if there was only enough time to choose the happy memories, over those of distrust and heartbreak. Since I was never really there, I missed out on the truth of what she knew. Which was more than what I knew, which was more than what any of us knew.

She saw love. She saw how it surrounded each and every one of us. She saw our hurt, pain and heartbreaks. She saw the truth in every one of us, even at times when we could not see it ourselves. She saw what we wanted to be not what we were. She saw life and the emotions that came with it. She experienced life and the emotions that came with it. She survived and carried on living as the decades changed, as the universe transformed itself. She held the family up. Carried us on her shoulders. She carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. It’s because she knew. She always knew. Even when we didn’t.

I remember being at work and getting a call from my mother. She told me to come home because my grandmother wasn’t doing well. That’s what I did. I was on the next flight home. That’s what many of us did. Between the moment I got off the plane, and what unfolded afterwards staggers in my mind. It’s not as important as what matters in our relationship now, but the events played a role in building it to this point. I stayed with her in the nursing home as many of us did. We flooded the room, and the outside hallways. We were all waiting. Endlessly waiting for her death. We knew it was the end, but what I did not know at that time was that it was an end of a new beginning. The first night, I slept on the end of her bed, curled up in a little ball and dosed in and out of sleep. I remember my uncle coming in and getting cross at me for discomforting her physical pain. I think it comforted her to have me there, it helped her to get lost in the in-between, lost in thoughts of her journey yet to come. I don’t think she was afraid, nervous or scared. I don’t think the other family members understood what she felt. I think she felt peace. Peace from her angels and guides, peace now knowing the unknown, peace of discovering the journey that was ahead of her, knowing her life was not yet over.

In the moments before she took her new life, we all gathered around her body and again I was at the foot of the bed, my hands on her feet. The room suddenly disappeared and a child reappeared, a small child, no more than five or six with long black hair. She stood there smiling at me, giggling. A field surrounded us, the sky filled with white light. “Who are you?” I asked, already knowing the answer. “Ruby.” She giggled as she began to walk towards the light. “Ruby.”

It was in that moment my relationship with my grandmother grew. It was that moment that lead me to believe there was more to life than what was in front of our eyes and in the physical world around us.  Sometimes it remained unknown to me if she was there, and at other’s her presence was overwhelming. It wasn’t until January that I began to know why, and understand my abilities as a psychic medium. In this new life, she has taught me it’s her job to protect me, to guide me, teach me the truth about the known and unknown. It’s her job to help me discover my own truth and sense self. It’s her job to help me teach you how to discover your own truth and sense of self. More importantly it’s her job to help me bring love to myself, to you and to the world around us. It is love that brings forth the truth and helps you to develop who you are.