Resurfacing

Let me explain my situation to you and what I have come to realize over the last two months. On June 24, 2019 my life completely changed when entered into the hospital due to out of control panic attacks and thoughts of suicide. I stayed in hospital until July 22, 2019. During my time in the hospital, I had:

  • Sever panic attacks and dissociation
  • Flashbacks and nightmares and I later was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm tendencies resulting from a new diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I could see my purpose, value or self-worth in life. I had hit one of the lowest points in a blink of an eye. All the stressors in my life including my job and historical trauma crept up on me and then suddenly took a hold of me. I was so far gone, that I just had enough. I had enough of living and I had enough of being me.

Feelings came out that I had bottled up inside for so long. My emotions were out of control. My environment was out of control. I went from working extensive hours, attending a psychotherapy program part-time, and working on my business to dropping it all as I found myself in a mental health inpatient program.

When I got out, the first week, I had little follow up from the hospital. I found myself somehow thrown back into my life and I did not want to be in my life. The first week, I met with my counsellor twice and saw my family doctor. I was completely broken, lost in a system shock. I went through changes one after the other. I couldn’t handle it.

I was not stable enough to go back to my full-time job and I was without realizing it, around $70,000 in debt. I could even tell you had I had bought to be that much in debt. I mean sure I had a student loan to pay off like most people in their late twenties do, but I also had maxed out three credit cards, had a line of credit that was maxed out and had begun to finance a brand new 2018 car in the spring of last year.

There was no income coming in. I had used up all my short term benefits when I was in the hospital for a month and I had no idea how to pay the rent for the following month, let alone any of my bills. I was stuck and drained and exhausted. Being thrown into this mess, that I had create for myself was too much for me to handle on top of my mental health breakdown.

I thought there was no way out. I attempted suicide the following Wednesday after being released from the hospital. On the Thursday, I found myself back in the ER again, only to be let go a few hours later. Following this suicide attempt, I withdrew completely from my medications. I found myself with no other choice but to begin to rebuild my life again.

It started slowly, very slowly. I ignored the phone calls from my bank and credit card companies. I stopped going to see my counsellor and the outpatient services the hospital offered me for a few weeks. I was tired of everyone telling me how to recover, how to build my life back together. After all, it is my life and your life is your life.

What works for someone else may not work for you, despite whatever research or evidence is out there.

I began to listen to my intuition fully, something I put off doing for so long. I trusted my gut. I let go of what did not feel right in my life and started to embrace the things that did. I started to write again. Surprisingly as I did this, I began to find joy amongst all the darkness. Writing was something I always wanted to do. So I wrote for pretty much a week straight, ignoring everything else.

I started going to different Meetups and Events. I attended different writing groups and met people who liked to write just like I did. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Susan, who has been my rock and main support through all of this.

It took almost another week until I started to make appointments, and surface back to reality again. I continued to go see my family doctor. I went back to see my counsellor and also started DBT therapy with another counsellor. I made appointments and phone calls to banks and credit card companies. I opened my bills. I met with financial consultants. I started to make repayment plans for my debts. I even quit my full-time job, coming to the conclusion that my own health and wellbeing were more important.

Along the way, there were times when things did get heavy for me and things were overwhelming for me. I have learned more life lessons in these past two months than in my lifetime. I had to find courage and fight of fear. I decided to stop ignoring my intuition and started to listen to the spiritual being inside of me.

While I am not fully recovered in any way I have made some major changes in life, that I can now see are for the better. In terms of my recovery, it will always be something I am working on. I am aware there will be good moments and bad moments. However, in this short time I took to start to find myself again:

  • I stopped having panic attacks every day
  • I stopped having major flashbacks, nightmares, and dissociations
  • I stopped hiding in closets and small spaces
  • I started to make really be decisions on things I had put of for so long
  • I started to make a repayment plan for my debt
  • My thoughts of suicide lessened to a huge extent
  • My acts of self-harm stopped as soon as I got out of the hospital

I went into the hospital and stayed for as long as I did for a reason. I needed time and a safe place process memories and emotions I had buried for so long. While some nurses were helpful and somewhere not, some programs were also helpful and somewhere not.

I think the biggest thing that influenced my recovery as much as it did, was that I stopped listening to what other people and healthcare professionals thought was right, especially if it was not sitting right with me. I think the thing about mental health and healthcare, is that often working professionals fail to understand the complex trauma that often comes with the diagnosis. Many staff may not be trained in understanding how complex trauma and your inner child impacts your feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

I do agree with my own mental health diagnosis. However, there were a lot of individuals I met in the hospital who struggled to figure out their diagnosis as well as some who did not agree with their diagnosis. I understand, coming from a background in child welfare and social work that mental health is a tricky thing, and for someone to understand their own mental health and how it impacts them throughout the day is hard enough as it is.

The mental health and health care systems need to begin to under how childhood trauma can impact one’s behaviors and actions as an adult. I also feel that one’s inner connection with their own self needs to be focused on so that they can begin to find joy, build unconditional love in their self, and start to understand who they are.

I do not want to be the one that tells to stop taking your medications or following advice from healthcare professionals. The message I am trying to get across is for you to listen, you know to that voice inside of you, that feeling that you hold. Listen to your intuition and trust your gut.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own health and wellbeing. You are in charge of your recovery and your journey. When all else fails, let go of whatever it is that you are holding on to and trust your intuition.

If you take action, the universe will take action.

What are you going to do for yourself today? What is your intuition telling you?

Accepting Ourselves

We live in a world, that is fast, active, and always on the go. At times when it feels like we need a break, the world around us does not stop. Leaving us no time to stop. Without a choice, we keep going. We push the emotions and feelings inside of us while attempting to live our lives outside of us.

As a result, we become numb. We are left frozen inside. Unable to feel. Unable to think. Unable to connect to ourselves as well as to those we love around us.

We manage to go throughout the day on autopilot and often without even realizing we are on autopilot.  As we keep going our bodies go into survival mode.

We work because we have to work.

We eat because we have to eat.

We sleep because we have to sleep.

We socialize even at our lowest times.

We pile things on our plates.

We take our children to activities and sport programs.

We drive them places.

We attempt to clean our homes. We attempt to do laundry.

We do dishes.

We walk the dog. We play with the cat.

We take a shower.

We get groceries.

Sometimes, we exercise.

We pay the bills.

We put the stress aside, thinking that it is easier to ignore it than acknowledge it. Sitting in discomfort is uneasy. We get into a routine, repeating it over and over again. The same tasks. The same activities. The same chores. Our thoughts patterns and our behaviors get repetitive as our mind plays tricks on us, telling us that we are not worthy and leaving us to feel not good enough.

By the end of the day, we are exhausted physically and drained emotionally. There is no time left for ourselves, no time to process the emotions that have been bottled up throughout the day. There is no time to feel whatever is happening around us.

We become incapable of being present, unsatisfied in our beliefs, and unaware of our values. Slowly we stop looking after our own needs as we become trapped inside a caregiving role for others. We forget to care about ourselves. We forgot to love ourselves.

How much is too much?

What has got to give for you to be able to feel connected to yourself, loved by yourself, and accomplished by yourself?

It is not about doing things just because it is what is expected of you to do.

What it is you actually want to do?

Taking time to process our own needs is critical. If we continue to go on the way the world expects us to live, I can guarantee you that there will be a time in your life when you will mentally break.  There will be a time when the stress becomes too much to handle and there will be a time when you start to feel that suicide is the only way out, the only solution to the stop the overwhelming feelings that pile within you.

Our lives can crash around us in the blink of an eye. Change is everywhere. We cannot avoid it, but we can prevent it from taking control of our meaning, blocking us from our purpose, and letting the negative vibrations overpower us.

Changes happen. In our lives, shit happens. It can be good or bad. Through change, the universe leaves us lessons, it makes us stronger, embodied, and connected to our truth.

Sometimes it may seem like we are lost and disconnected from ourselves, unable to see light. Sometimes our bodies become so full of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, it becomes impossible to process them all. It is easy for us to look for an escape and an alternative way out.

Have you ever thought that maybe instead of clawing ourselves to the surface outward, to go inward under the surface?

When you go under the surface, you are often left with no choice than to rip off the bandaids, address stress, confront whatever you pushed aside, and feel the emotions. When we are left with no other choice but to face our fears, sit in our discomforts and acknowledge our weakness, our thoughts, and our feelings, our actions begin to change.

The more we begin to explore how whatever is weighing on us, and addressing whatever is weighing on us, the more we can heal.

There is no magic solution. No special pill you can take. Our emotions and feelings take time to process and results from our actions take time. I get wanting to rush things, as that is the way we are used to doing things as a society. It will take time to figure out the formula that works for you.

You can start the surface inward by getting to know you again, figuring out who you are, how to light the truth inside of you and reintroduce yourself to your hopes and dreams.

The more you surface inward, the deeper the connection will grow within you and that will flow to your life outside of you.

It was only about a month and a half ago that my life suddenly changed. Everything somehow got unrouted. Things came crashing down around me. It was as if an explosion hit me, a tornado forming inside of me. I lost track of reality, lost hold of my goals, my hopes, and dreams. I was left with no choice but to face the discomfort and go under the surface to find me.

Admitting that I was struggling, that I needed help and asking for support was one of the hardest things I had to do. I became vulnerable and unable to deal with the panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation, and nightmares from my childhood trauma. Creating a safe space around me, I let myself go through it, acknowledge it, and admit that I was hurting from it.

During this time, not only did I find myself sitting in some of the lowest moments, I learned who the people were in my life that utterly and truly supported me. I began to go through the days moment by moment. I started a journey to get to know myself and began to embrace myself again.

I still have a long road to my recovery ahead of me. But I am determined to not let the trauma take ahold of me as it did for so many years. I accept now that it is a part of me, but it will not control me.

When I started to embrace the aspects I did fully and truly love about myself, I started to step into action. The more steps I did take, I started to accept more aspects of me and an unconditional love started to build within me.

It is not there all the way yet, and I understand the process will take a while to repair and reprogram the damages that were done to me. Throughout my journey I have learned that my past does not define me, it has helped build me, but also put beliefs into my life that were not made for me.

Now, however, I am ready to take on the challenge to fully embrace all aspects of me, to learn to love everything within me, to fulfill my goals and dreams, and most importantly listen to what my intuition is telling me.

Now who wants to join me?

How to Survive a Spiritual Awakening

First off, before going into the steps of how to survive a spiritual awakening, we should take a step back to understand what a spiritual awakening is. If you are reading this, it probably means you are going through some time of spiritual transformation, questioning who you are, where we fit inside the world, why we are here, how the universe is created and what lies beyond us. Before we go any further, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many people around us going through a transformational change and building an understanding of the universe and the creation of life in a spiritual way. Trying to navigate the unknown can be fearful, questionable and at times obscured. Just know, however, that you do not have to be alone doing so. We are all on our own paths and create our own time frames in regards to how we go about the awakening process. It can be new and frightening but with these tips and suggestions, I hope that these help you navigate your spiritual awakening in some way, as they helped me.

Trust Yourself. The more I began to venture into the unknown, I was afraid. I did not know what was happening or where the path I was heading down would take me. I questioned the process, scared to take steps forward, despite knowing that there was an answer on the other side. Once I began to uncover these answers, I began to build trust in myself more. One of the most important things I learned on this journey so far is that you know yourself better than anyone else. The key, however, to stop being afraid, the key to moving forward and getting the answers you so desperately desire is to trust yourself and not be afraid of where you lead yourself.

Build Connections With Your Spirit Guides. Spirit Guides are teachers, souls that come from Spirit to help guide you and teach you. They are often there helping you on your path of spiritual awakening. They can send you signs, or lead you in the right direction. They help answer your questions to the unknown to create a world that is known. To build a connection with your spirit guides, trusting yourself is the first step to connect with yourself to receive guidance. Spirit guides are never there to hurt you. By building trust in yourself to then develop a connection with your guides, they will help lead you on the path and direct you to where you need to go. They will never take you in the wrong direction.

Connect with Other Like Minded People. It is easy to feel alone when going through an awakening process. Ideas of who you thought you were and who you want to be as a person can constantly change, over and over again. We gain new thoughts and new ideas of who we want to be and how we can build our lives from where they are now. It’s easy to want to share these ideas with friends and family, who may have opinions and who may not feel the same way. What helped me on this journey was to connect with others who had similar ideas and beliefs as me. I joined different meetup groups and began to build relationships among these groups. This helped me find a way where I could explore my beliefs, values, and ideas without feeling that I was being judged. It also helped me understand and answer more questions about my spiritual awakening.

Find a Positive Way to Release Your Emotions. Emotions throughout a spiritual awakening can build up fast, especially if you are an empath. Find positive ways to release your emotions, rather than letting them build up inside. By isolating ourselves and our emotions while going through a spiritual awakening, we are blocking ourselves off from seeing the truth. We can lash out at others and sometimes even our own selves. Finding a way to release our emotions in a positive way can help us understand what we are feeling inside. I started to go see a counsellor who was familiar with helping individuals go through their own spiritual awakenings. By going to see her, I was able to talk about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to build trust in myself and in journey, I am on.

Ground Yourself. Sometimes, as we awaken further, we can develop abilities and our intuition builds. Things can get to be overwhelming. Imagine finding out that you have the ability to communicate with spirit, animals, feel other’s emotions and predict the future. These are some of my abilities. It was hard to understand what was going on at first. I was stuck between the physical and the non-physical world often being at such a high vibration I was not able to ground. Learning grounding skills and building techniques to help you stay centered. By learning these skills they can help you manage and go through everything that is happening around you. Meditation can be helpful. Listening to calming music. Lighting candles. Using rocks or crystals. Our grounding skills are all different. Use whatever works for you to help you stay present.

As you begin or continue to go on your spiritual journey, try and build positive energy inside of you. This will help attract other positive energy, diminish the darkness and give you motivation as you continue to discover the unknown. Trust yourself on this journey and know that your spirit guides are always with you to teach you, protect you, and guide you.

 

3 Reasons Why You Should Use Your Intuition

Our intuition builds, guides, and directs us throughout our journey here on earth, and throughout the entirety of our lives. We all are brought here accepting our intuition, our path, our purpose. We understand the universe and we open our hearts to receive trust. Fear is oblivion. We learn to rely on others to look after us, to make us feel safe and secure.

Our intuition has always been there. It has developed before we are born before we are babies before we were fetuses inside our mother’s stomachs. Our intuition has always been there. Somewhere along the way, we lost our own trust. We watched others lose their own trust. Our intuition became lost, within ourselves, somewhere inside us, somewhere in the energy outside us. Despite the fear and lack of trust, our intuition is always there. Just as we are also always there.

Have you ever had a gut feeling, that is so strong and true? Has this gut feeling helped make a decision, shape a path, reach a goal? Have you ever wondered about the choices you have made and how you ended up in the position you are in today? Or questioned about how things aligned in life? More than likely, our intuition, that gut feeling has let us to create stories and develop many of the decisions and aspects in our lives.

1) Our Intuition Is Always Right

Our Intuition is always right. It always takes us to where we need to go and helps us to see what we need to see. Sometimes, fear creeps in to create logic, to create worry. All this can lead to distrust, failing to let our intuition to guide us and bring us to where we need to go. Sometimes I play a game and look backwards at my life, to see the choices I’ve made to help understand the bigger picture, to help see why I am here, and how I got to be in this very moment. There were times when, I didn’t trust my intuition and failed to see, hope and believe. Going through those times helped me learn to trust the feeling from within and listen to my intuition. Using my intuition, I have been able to:

  • Attend the Hay House Writers Workshop in Toronto. In which I learned so much about publishing, self-publishing and building a platform.
  • That let me to sharing my writing with family and friends, and creating this blog. These are all things I was afraid of doing, somehow believing my writing was not enough.
  • Which then let me to building onto my dream of publishing a book the beginning stages of my business as an intuitiveness coach.
  • And finally, putting in an application and attending an interview to a part-time psychotherapy program, leading me off the path of social work.

Our intuition guides us in ways that sometimes we don’t understand ourselves. Our intuition, and that gut feeling, the one that comes from deep inside our soul, is always right. Living in a logic, evidenced-based, scientific society, we may not believe and we may fail to see our intuition at times. We can be left to believing in fact and non-fiction. Regardless, our intuition is always there. It is everywhere.

2) Our Intuition Helps Us On a Daily Basis

As we go through our daily lives, we make choices and decisions that influence others and ourselves. Decisions and choices can be anything from “what should I wear today?” to “should I go get coffee before work?” to “do I send this email to a client or coworker?” to “do I make this phone call?” to “what should I do for lunch?” Unknowingly we often use our intuition on a daily basis. It comes down to what actions do we take when making these choices and decisions. And sometimes, let’s face it, we may be stressed, struggling, and overwhelmed in moments when it comes to making the decisions and choices.

Sometimes it’s as simple as listening to the first thought that comes into your head. Sometimes we debate our answers and actions over and over again. We may change our outfits, rewrite an email, change our minds at the last minute, even when we think we are satisfied. Sometimes, things can happen out of the blue that completely change the decision or choice we were finally happy with, an answer we finally concluded on.

Have you ever thought about why things happen the way they do? Maybe it’s hard to think of this in the given moment, but maybe the thought comes after a series of events happen that day? Maybe it’s a number of bad moments that happen one after another. Maybe it’s sporadic hurtful words that are said in a moment you feel emotionally defeated. Try and look more closely at what is real, what is true, and understand that everything aligns eventually, even when nothing seems to make sense at all.

I play a game sometimes throughout the day. I look at the email’s I get and try to see if I can predict what the message is without knowing the content. I do it with my text messages and phone calls as well. I can feel other’s emotions and understand the meaning. Sometimes it’s an emotion I feel that leads me to send a message, to find an answer, to see into a decision. The more I play this game, to more I can see, understand and use my intuition to help with the choices and decisions I make on a daily basis.

Our intuition is not something we turn on and off. We may block it out because we are afraid to trust, to know and to see. Try to pay more attention to what goes on in the day, or after the day is over and reflect on what happened, the decisions you made and the choices you took. See how they align and look in between. Through every moment our intuition is there, it is always there, often unexpectedly, often unknowingly.

3) Intuition Answers the Unknown Questions

Our intuition guides us. It’s always there. Living. Breathing. Speaking. It’s somewhere, lost between faith, hope, and belonging. Our intuition guides us, even when we may not believe, feel or see. Our intuition guides us through the unknown. It brings forth answers, to questions that may seem impossible to figure out or understand. Intuition brings knowledge and knowledge diminishes fear. By allowing to let our intuition guide us, we go from the unknown to the known.

Have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do? How scientific ideas were invented? How Musicians and Actors became well known? And How Athletes managed to go Pro?

Albert Einstein had a dream that lead him to develop the speed of light. An angel came to Paul to tell him to write the bible. Authors. Actors. Musicians. Athletes. CEOs. Poets. Public Speakers. Presidents. Prime Ministers. Intuition is part of everyone, it’s within our soul, and comes from the universe, from the in between. Intuition can be developed through imagination. Feelings. Judgment. Dreams. All these individuals followed their intuition, they trusted their gut and somehow believed that things would work out, knowing exactly how they were supposed to be.

What are your dreams, and your goals? What does your intuition tell you about where you are supposed to be?

There is always more out there than what there is right now. What does your gut tell you? Maybe it’s a goal you’re developing on working towards, or a thought, a dream that’s been in the back of your mind, something you’ve been afraid to come forward with. Afraid that maybe others will see this goal or this dream as not good enough or maybe you feel that this goal or this dream is not good enough. Take a breath in. Know that you are good enough. Trust in your intuition and listen to where it wants you to go. And as we continue to follow the truth within ourselves, we will get answers, to questions, and begin to see a world that is bigger than the unknown.